The Beginning of the Middle

I don't really know what to write to be honest. I've never been very good at beginnings. The reason it always takes me so long to start a paper is because I get stuck on the introduction. I have to have the right words that will flow into the right feeling in order for me to continue on to the next thing. I suppose I'm actually a fairly methodical person in that case. I don't like to have an unfinished task niggling at the back of my mind and so I tend to not start on things I know I won't feel like finishing. Hence why my apartment is currently a mess. There mum, I just stumbled upon a legitimate, pseudo-psychological reason why my bedroom was always a mess when I was growing up.

Right now, in my life, I'm experiencing both the anxiety of something new and that uncomfortable unfinished feeling all at the same time.

For one thing, last week I turned 25. When I was 16, 25 felt like a huge number. It's so big and round (even though it is totally an odd number) and it feels so important. My friends and family either roll their eyes and laugh when I say I'm starting to feel old or inform me that I don't know how young I really am. Rightly so I suppose. I am young. I have so much of my life ahead of me. And yet, I have all of my life behind me. The line of my past is solid and black stretches much further than the shadowy bend in the road that lies ahead. It's like when you press your pencil so hard against a piece of paper that the lead breaks off and the pencil skids across the page for a little bit longer, leaving a faint impression that kind of fades off into nothing. The beginning of your line exists solidly in the middle of your page. It's there, it happened and you have the indentation to prove it. The future, however is just a whispering suggestion, a graphite impression that is more absent than not. It's a little exciting that I don't know what is coming but it's definitely nerve-wracking as well. I guess the crux of this anxiety is that I'm really not a kid anymore. I'm married, I have cats, an apartment. I have tchotchkes, for crying out loud! A whole life.  And while all of this was equally true when I was 24 (ie: 2 weeks ago), now that I'm 25 it feels more solid.

This is the point in life when traditional norms say I've moved past the student phase (although that isn't entirely true) and I'm ready to have a "real" job, start making a family and a life of my own. It's time for me to step up and be a contributing member of society. I know empirically that my life will happen at my own pace. That there is actually no ticking clock that says when I have to start doing certain things like having wine and cheese parties with the pta. I can travel the world, I can change my mind, I can go back and start all over again whenever I want to. I tell myself this and yet that clock still ticks away in my brain.

My sister, who I am so close to that she is practically my right arm, starts university next week and I am so excited for her. I have had the best time in university. I have loved every second, whether it be the classes, the exams (Yes, even the exams), the friends I've made or the bonds I've shared with people who just happened to be interested in the same post-colonial lit class as me. She's got all that ahead of her and I know she is going to be spectacular. While being incredibly excited for her though, I'm a little sad for me. For the first time in around 2 decades, September is not bringing the excitement of new books, pretty pens or a new backpack (or is it just me and Emilie who get excited about those things?). I'm not even finished school yet, (Hence the niggling, unfinished feeling). I'm just taking off a semester before I finish up and yet it feels like I'm moving on. Moving on to what I have no idea.

All of a sudden, because of a promotion at work, I sort of have one of those "real jobs". At least I'm in charge of people and a building and have to do things like keep an eye on overhead costs and labour. It sort of feels like 25 is ushering me into a new portion of my life. it's like the beginning of my life ended and I didn't even realize it until I was solidly in the beginning of the middle. That's where I am, I think. The beginning of the middle. While splitting your life into beginning, middle and end seems horribly callous and really not very accurate, I can't describe it any better.

The beginning of the middle is terrifying but it's the kind of terrifying you feel before conquering a fear. The kind of shaky nervousness that comes with performing on a stage in front of a huge group of people or letting other people hear or read or understand something that is intensely close to your heart. It's a good thing and it should be embraced. I mean to embrace it. So I propose a toast to the girl I was and to the girl I will be and to the fact that both of those girls are part of who I am now, just with some different experiences thrown in.

Here's to the beginning of the middle.

In which Lin has too many words

It's been a long time since I've posted on this blog. I don't even care to do the math on exactly how long it's been because it has been that long since I've posted on this blog. I'm not the best at keeping up my resolutions and I've always known and sort of accepted that about myself. I'm more likely to get caught up in my own life and forget that I ever made the resolution in the first place. I think that's a common failing in our society given how many people can't seem to carry out the New Years resolutions they make to themselves every year. Some people are fantastic at losing those five pounds, following that budget, going to the gym everyday but most of us aren't. Now this post isn't going to be about berating myself or even about accepting things about myself that I can and would like to change, I'm willing to keep working on my own shortcomings. Realistically, this blog is probably never going to be something that I can keep up at a consistent rate because there are plenty of other things in my life that take hold of my attention 95% of the time. But there is one resolution I announced on this blog about a year and a half ago that I mean to follow through on. On a day like today, with the overwhelming power of the internet at the tips of my fingers, this is my priority.


 Today was a fairly normal day for me, to be honest. I had the day off from classes, wasn't scheduled for a shift at work, I pretty much spent the day "nesting". I washed the dishes, tidied up my apartment, indulged myself by learning a new song on my guitar, in the grand scheme of things, I had a great day. At intervals throughout my refreshingly normal day I, of course, perused facebook as everyone I know is apt to do in their free time. Oddly enough, it was on facebook that I came to the realisation of just how lucky my day was. A friend of mine posted a link outlining a situation that has been popping up more and more in my news feed and has, as a result, been getting more and more press coverage every single day. For that I am thankful. I am thankful that there is a dialogue raging on our television screens, in our newspapers, on our facebook pages. However, the fact that this keeps popping up on my newsfeed shows that none of us can be silent anymore. I promised a long time ago on this very blog that I would no longer be apathetic to the things that happened in the world around me and I mean to keep that promise.


 On February 3rd, a fifteen-year-old boy name Jadin Bell died after being taken off of life support. He attempted suicide after being bullied for being gay. I know it's a headline we all shake our heads at sadly. I also know that it is a headline we've all seen before and have lamented many a time. As usual, the presence of a post like this on my news feed sent my mind reeling. It got me thinking about the age fifteen. I remember being fifteen. It was less than a decade ago that I myself was the tender age of fifteen. I remember the feeling of being fifteen, how small my world was, how big and insurmountable everything that happened to me seemed to be. I was bullied at fifteen. Who can say that they weren't bullied at fifteen? Insecurities bring out the worst in teenagers and, unfortunately, there is very little done to counteract the tendency to lash out at those around us. I was lucky. I had amazing people around me, an incredibly supportive family, wonderful friends and a place in school where I truly felt like I belonged, where I had the luxury of escaping any teasing whispers or harsh words. I don't know what Jadin Bell's situation was. I don't know his family dynamic, the friends he had or didn't have. I don't know how it feels to feel like the world is against you. I don't know how it feels to not only have the biting words thrown at you by your peers but by adults around you, the tv you watch, even the anonymous sources on the internet. I can imagine what it feels like, but I don't know.


 The thought of being fifteen also made me think about everything that has happened since then, all the things that I have had the privilege of experiencing. I've loved, been loved, made decisions about my life, changed my mind countless times and learned something new every single day. A life ending at any age is a tragedy, but a life ending at fifteen? when there is so much promise and so many experiences and surprises yet to come? That is a devastating thought. I don't know how to fix this in the grand scheme of things, I have no intention of claiming to have all the answers. There are hundreds of organisations dedicated to making sure anyone being bullied for being gay, or being made to feel insignificant in any way, for any reason, know that they are not alone. That life truly does get better. These organisations are doing an amazing job at bringing about awareness, making kids and adults alike feel like they have a voice and that they are being heard. It obviously isn't enough, however, to stand by and let these organisations do the work. Too many people, myself included are willing to sit back with a sigh of relief because someone is taking charge of the situation and do nothing ourselves. It is time for everyone to pull up their bootstraps and be a part of making this world a better place.


 The internet has made it so much easier to be a bully. It has made it so much easier for people to spread their hate and prejudice anonymously, for them to lash out against others in order to assuage their own pain. I don't pretend to be an expert on how to fix this. I'm only one person, and I'm certainly not the most qualified to speak on this subject, but I feel honour bound to say what I can. It's time for us all to give up our mantles of apathy. In fact it is far past time. It is time for everyone in this human family of ours to start educating one another. Prejudice is, in large part, a result of ignorance and it is high time that this ignorance is counteracted. That is the only answer that I can come up with. It is time for us all to start talking to one another and, maybe someday, ignorance can be defeated.


 As I was writing this post, yet another news item popped up onto my trusty facebook newsfeed. At the end of a day in which I have been devastated by the pain and injustice still left in the world, I've learned that the United Kingdom same-sex marriage vote has passed with a strong majority of 400-175. If this isn't pure, unequivocal proof that ignorance can be conquered, I don't know what is. So I'd like to finish this post in a few different ways. Number one, with a promise to do what I can to make sure that young people who feel alone know that they truly aren't. Number two, to spread the word and continue talking, no matter how uncomfortable it may make others. LGBT Youth, and adults for that matter, need to know and continue to be told that no matter what situation they are dealing with, they are loved, just as everyone on this planet, no matter their sexual orientation, colour or creed is loved. Number three, to continue to be a part of this dialogue, to be a part of this education and to do what I can to conquer ignorance.


 If you are suffering from bullying for any reason, I would encourage you to speak to someone in your life. I promise you that you are truly loved for exactly who you are.

In which Lin is awesome at doing nothing.

In which Lin is keeping her promise (so far...)

Hello audience,
Yay me! two days in a row! Awesome!

What happened today? I went to class, which is an event in itself. Still working on that Buddhism paper but I'm determined to get it done tonight! IT WILL BE DONE BEFORE I GO TO BED!!!!! There, I wrote it in a blog, so it must be true, right? right? I knew you'd agree.

So anyway, I went to class and found out (Drumroll Please...) I no longer have a final in Can Lit!!! HURRAY! Basically, my prof hates exams, she thinks they are pointless and so its an "I won't tell if you won't tell" kind of a situation. So don't tell!So yay! that stress is gone, all I have to do is go to the last class on Friday prepared to discuss "what we've learned about Canadian Lit". Yeah, sounds fairly lame, but it's better than an exam, no? yes. So, just trying to get motivated to finish this paper because then my stresses will be GONE. Exams, Shmexams (??).

So now I'm going to talk about something other than School! Awesome, huh? I've decided I'm going to start doing semi-regular updates on my 100 book challenge for 2011, but that will be a dedicated post and not stuck in the middle of a random ramble. In other words, there will be something about the books soon, but not now.

I'm very into music listening lately. Muse has entered my life again recently and I now have every single one of their albums on my ipod and am enjoying them immensely. I'm also very into the kooks who I would describe as having a kind of upbeat, punky vibe, which I'm loving. Check out "She moves in her own way", it's my favourite of all their songs. The kinks are also fairly awesome, they've got the same sort of sound as the kooks except they aren't as notibly British... lol, that sentance strikes me as amusing.

Wow, I have really annoying loud neighbours screeching and running down the hall. Oh the joys of living in a building full of students. Don't they know I'm a 70 year old stuck in a 21 year olds body? My one goal in life is to go to bed at 9:00 every night. Geez. No respect, I feel like shaking a stick at them.

Anyway, back to music. I've been LOVING Sara Bareilles lately, I don't know why. I've listened to her before and liked her a lot, but all of a sudden, I LOVE her, it's a bit of a stalker obsession. I'd say King of Anything is my favourite song, it's so kick ass. So yeah.

Also, I've decided Apathy is so lame! I confess that last election I was one of those "between 18 and 25"'s who just couldn't be bothered to vote, but I have seen the error of my ways! Seriously, if we care anything at all about our lives and the quality of living in our country, how can we not take advantage of the chance to have a say? Isn't that what democracy is all about? If you'd rather sit there and complain about the state of the country and the decisions the governement is making instead of actually voting then you really have no right to complain. YOU could have done something, but you didn't, so suffer the consequences,basically. I don't care who you vote for, that is a personal decision, but figure out what these parties have to say and decide who you agree with. The problem with this world and this country is the complete lack of interest of the majority of its citizens. Maybe you'd rather sit on youtube or in front of the tv watching inane videos about dogs doing handstands ( don't get me wrong, sometimes inane dog videos are funny) but there is a country out there, and if you don't feel like you're part of it, that's your own fault. I know we've all heard "the youth is the future" a million times, but it's true. If you don't start caring now, things will get worse. And when we're standing in the 40 to 50 year old demographic, the state of the country will be our fault. If you want to be proud of the place you live, then do something to make that happen. Anyway. There is an incredibly corny quote that fits perfectly here, as incredibly corny quotes often do. Stand for something or fall for anything. And it won't just be you falling, it will be everyone else too.

Yup, I think that expresses my thoguhts precisely. In fact, I may post it as a note on facebook. Thoughts?

Today is awesome because I can effect the future. It's also awesome because I can spout incredibly corny quotes!



btw : there are 2 youtube references in this blog, (I mean 2 youtuber references, not the dog thing.) ten points to whoever gets them.

In which Lin just feels like being rambly

So, I haven't written a blog in almost a year. I swear, this is so lame. I am making a promise to myself, I will write a blog entry EVERY DAY for the month of April... or at least once a week. It's not April yet and I was going to wait. but then. I . didn't?

Anyway, I'm having an aggressively bad month. Stress level is slowly rising to the level of orangey red. Which, if you're in my brain, is bad. But you really don't want to be in my brain.

I'm feeling extremely spastic today. Maybe it's the stress getting to my brain so I have an inability to create a paragraph that flows? Maybe my brain will be invariably altered until I develop turrets. But probably not.

I have so much hate for the weather today! It's cold and snowing a little and I have decreed that it should be spring and spring is not listening to me! Grrrrr! It's apparently suppose to warm up by the end of the week, but I'll believe it when I see it. I don't trust you anymore spring, I've been burned by you too many times.

So yeah, school is stressful but almost done. I can't wait until I finish this paper for Buddhism because after that I only have finals and those only last three hours each, so... better. I'm going to get a job! and then I'm going to be less stressed. And I'll be able to buy nail polish.

I know that sounds random, but it is a part of my master plan to stop biting my nails, and so far it's succeeding. I don't think I've bitten my nails in like, 2 weeks? which is pretty awesome, I must say, since I've been biting them since I was 2 and I think it's gross and make my hands ugly.

I feel like this blog is really pointless, but I wanted to write one, so hopefully I'll keep my promise to myself, I'm giving the impression that absolutely nothing is happening in my life, but it's a lie. I'm stlll working on my new years resolution, and I am shamefully behind but I will talk abouth that later? I guess.....

Anyway, spastic annoying blog done. Seacrest out.

In which Lin is printing a small paragraph of original work for criticism

When I was a little girl, i used to steal out of the house as quietly as I could in my long white nightdress, taking care to skip the squeaky fourth step and the sticking front door. There was a large wood encroaching on our back garden, sneaking up on us year by year. It was to this wood that I sought refuge in the middle of the night. I had discovered a beautiful clearing in the middle of the wood, years before, when I had still been young enough to allow mum to pigtail my hair every single day. If I lay in the middle of the clearing and didn't turn my head at all, all I could see was a sky of deep indigo blue, little sparkling lights nestled into it; like fairy lights on a christmas tree, full of miracles and wonder. When i looked up at that sky I felt so small, the world felt so indifferent to my presence. And yet, somehow I was comforted, I didn't feel dwarfed or defeated, like the books said i should. I felt like I was a part of something. There was order and beauty and reason,, and I was a part of that. That stability balanced the rest of the chaos.

In which Lin is excited about the new look... pretty pattern

I know, I know, it's pretty right? right. haha.

so I'm excited by material things? I accept and embrace this.

I'm also excited by papery, musty, lovely and old-timey smelling things. Lovely lovely books. I've read a lot this summer, even for me. mmm, I have to say, my favourite has been Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy. Long as anything but a really really good read, I highly recommend it to anyone who has enough patience to get past the slow bits. It's worth it, I promise. Very moral, I must say. Those who lived selfishly, suffer from their mistakes, those who figured out what "life is about" end up happy. Somehow, it seems realistic though, nobody is a "bad" person but those who make bad decisions have to live with those decisions. A good lesson to learn, i think. I must mention Wuthering Heights in my summer reading monologue. Neither Cathy nor Heathcliffe have a single redeeming quality. not one. It's a little incredible. I can, however, appreciate that it is well written, I just have next to no desire to read it again.

I'm growing quite tired of summer, to tell you the truth, I'm counting down the weeks until September 9th (still six weeks away, if you were wondering). maybe being done in April and having nothing to do for four moths takes a bit of the bloom off the dreams of vacation. I'm ready to go back and start doing something and I am so very excited to start my new classes. I have no idea what they'll be like, but they'll be new, and that is exciting.